I am now officially an Ex-Phan

My friend could tell you easily....I'm not a very huge fan of the Phan.  And I haven't been for a while.  My dislike started when I noticed that she doesn't really speak English well...and I don't know why this annoyed me so much but it did.  My friends said, "Oh, give her a break, it's because Vietnamese is her first language." or "It's because she went to art school.  Nobody at art school focuses on learning how to speak standard English." Are you kidding me? Also, it's plain from her lack of ability to speak Vietnamese that English was in fact her first language....Michelle Phan has become so popular that she is now a brand, and her pretty solidly incorrect English use translate into unprofessionalism. 

Also she got an eye infection because she wears weird makeup that goes into her eyes and it just looks kind of uncomfortable...

Then I stumbled upon MichellePhail.blogspot.com.  It basically ripped off the gauzy veil to reveal everything I suspected about her to be true.  She's kind of a conceited defensive fake. And she's also kind of stupid.  Like she seriously doesn't seem to know the difference between basic words, for example, in her "Dramatic Eyes" video she keeps saying "TRAUMATIC EYES" WHICH IS NOT THE SAME THING.  It's a little embarrassing.  Then how she keeps saying, "Yeah...I'm a dork." because she thinks she's a REAL nerd? and because she's a "game." No.  False.  Real nerds don't go around being like, "Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm actually really nerdy...I hope that doesn't offend your sensitivities." Being self-deprecating about being nerdy and being an actual nerd are mutually exclusive.  That's the part about her that really offended me the most. No wait....this is the part that offended me the most.  When she posted a picture of herself on Facebook (this was before the major privacy overhaul in which now the little people can't write on her holy wall or see her pictures anymore) with the caption: "Just because I'm a nerd doesn't mean I have to look like one." or something along those lines.  That was kind of the turning point, without my realization.  What are you implying, Michelle Phan.  That being a nerd entails looking a certain way? A certain way that if more generalized is not good-looking also known as UGLY? WOW.  OW.  Lipstick and Lightsabers phrases it perfectly: "Stealing my culture is pretty fucking personal." Yes.  Yes it is.  So I sincerely apologize if you want to defend Michelle Phan.  This is my own opinion and I don't really expect anyone else to share it just because this is the way I feel about her. 

Also her current website (michellephan.com) is like....all infected with viruses...so I can't even go on there to point out other things that turned me into an Ex-Phan.  Now I'm more all about the Kandee Johnson.  Which is disappointing because I thought I had found in Phan a true Asian American beauty role model.  Turns out that's definitely not the case.

Sorry, Michelle Phan.  But you've lost me to the Dark Side.

Movie Review: Karate Kid [2010]

My Rating: 6.5/10
IMDB Rating: 6.2/10
Movie: The Karate Kid [2010]
Starring: Jackie Chan, Jaden Smith, Zhenwei Wang, Wenwen Han

The way I'm going to structure this review is as follows: first the problems I have, then what I liked about it.

My first problem is that Jaden Smith is way too young.  Maybe if he had waited six or seven years, maybe even eight for when he was a 18-19 and could pretend to be in high school, then this would have been more appealing to the original Karate Kid generation of the 80's.  His squishy-faced love interest played by Wenwen Han is unbelievable as a viable girlfriend because, well, frankly, they're too damn young.  They're 12!! People who are in relationships at 12-13 are considered sluts by my generation.  That's such an inappropriate age to be kissing and such.

*high-pitched voice* "Hi my name is Dre and I have hormones even though I haven't even gone through puberty yet." Yeah I didn't think that would fly either. 

My second issue with the film is that Wenwen Han is not very goodlooking.  They couldn't find a girl with better hair, a hairline that wasn't receding, and smaller epicanthic folds? Seriously.  I was a little offended that China was represented in this girl.  I didn't even care that China was depicted as domineering in her terrible bully of a family friend Cheng or in her kind of racist parents, she was just not a viable love interest to me.  Not only was she too young, also taller than Jaden Smith and she even has a deeper voice than Jaden Smith, but she was really unrelatable.  NOT TO MENTION they couldn't find a girl who could actually play the violin well?

They couldn't find anyone? ANYONE? Even with how POPULOUS China is, not to mention thousands upon thousands of American counterparts? Puhleez. 

Zhenwei Wang plays Cheng, the antagonist in the film who is basically the kid from Cobra Kai that the main character eventually will have to fight.  He's also too young.  He looks too young and he sounds too young.  He has a higher voice than Wenwen Han! He's not a viable antagonist.  I would have him on his ash crying like the wittle baby he is in a matter of minutes.  If he was a sinewy-muscled teenager who is obviously more than 20 years old then maybe this movie would've been more watchable. 

They should not have named the movie The Karate Kid again.  This made it sound like they were trying to remake the movie.  If they had named it The Kung Fu Kid and waited until Jaden Smith was much older and post pubescent then fans of the original Karate Kid like my friends would not have felt as if The Karate Kid (2010) was trying to usurp the original with its not as goodness and differentness.  Not to mention it's a little offensive that karate is equated to kung fu, when kung fu is Chinese and karate is not.  This implies that there is some over-arching umbrella of "Asian" that equates different nuances in each culture to being exactly the same.  As if to say, "Psh, what's the difference? The people watching won't know the difference...." Ahhhh, but they will, you see.  Because I bet that many of the audience members will see the movie and understand when the antagonist kung fu instructor tells one of his doods to "Sweep the leg."--"But I can beat him."--"Sweep the leg." like...that's a pretty solid reference.  If this movie had been named The Kung Fu Kid or something, then it would've looked more like an homage, not a replacement.  And for people who don't get the reference, others can explain it to them and they can all be like "Oooooooooooooooh oookay." Seriously, these references are so obvious that they're not even included in the imdb trivia for the movie.

[Here thar be spoilers] The whole plotline with Mr. Han's family was completely unnecessary, emotionally taxing, and as a combination of such was a waste of my time.  It seriously serves no purpose! So why is he destroying the car? Is this a reference to something in the original movie, by the way of which I've never actually seen? All of a sudden he's crying in his car because he thinks it's his fault that his wife and son who have never before been mentioned are dead....is this to explain why Mr. Han cares about Dre so much? Or maybe explains his drive to help Dre and to gain some repentance? This movie with its 12 year-old protagonist is geared toward 12 year-olds....it doesn't need depth or gravity.  Well...

On the plus, Jackie Chan's performance as Mr. Han (the equivalent to the wise Mr. Miyagi) is pretty good and redeems the movie.  Jackie Chan has wonderful comedic timing, but also proves that he has some dramatic acting chops as he makes the Mr. Miyagi in his own surly rendition.  I haven't seen all of Chan's movies but I've never seen him in something where he's serious.  I quite enjoyed it because I know of what he's capable.

It's good to know that Jaden Smith is actually pretty durn good at kung fu.  He can only get better, right? He seems pretty dedicated.  So they couldn't wait until he was a full-fledged kung fu master to pretend that he sucked and then could become awesome in the span of a little less than 2 hours? No? That's not logical.  But at least he is good, and he can do what the movie says he can do.

So overall, an enjoyable movie, but not like...mind-blowing.  Maybe a little offensive, but I understand what with the rise of China as a world superpower from out of the shadows, with the Beijing Olympics just happening and all.  It's a little uncomfortable to watch because most of the characters are way too young.  But the kung fu is alright to watch and Jackie Chan's performance is redeeming.  So a 6.5/10, a solid D.  hahahah that sounds terrible.

Breaking News: Love Note Found After 6-7 years

"I'm sorry I can't go.  Mom My mom's ditching me to go off and do her own dance thing.  So, I don't have a I ride there on opening night, but I'll be there tomorrow.  Make sure you act just as well tomorrow as you did tonight.
Good luck!
Loving you always,
[Ex-boyfriend's name]"

I found this little letter in a box full of other letters from various guys in my class from middle school, when nobody had cellphones and IMing was this newfangled thing that could only work on big, faulty hulking computers and AIM was basically every parent's worst nightmare.  "She's talking to someone and WE CAN'T EVEN TELL??? WTF!!!" Anyway, this note is from my first ex-boyfriend back when he wasn't my ex-boyfriend and thisissopatheticIactuallykindofmisshimnow.  But then I remember that he has another Asian American girlfriend who is much better suited to his new....treehugger mentality and then I'm okay with it.  Also he was a little short.

There are other letters in there, even one with an "urgent" sign drawn on it in colored pencil.  That one was a warning from one the Suitors about another Suitor.  It was war, definitely.  Finding these little messages were flattering and amusing and I'm glad I took the time to clean out my desk.  Some people say it's not a good idea to "live in the past," but I'm not exactly living in the past, am I? I'm just wondering what the h-e-l-l was so special about me 6-7 years ago that guys were sending around secret messages like major battle intelligence in order to covet me. 

Tonight I'm going over to someone's house to hang out with several people who are 2-4 years younger than me....it's time for me to watch Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole to learn how to be a wizened sage.  Like how an owl inherently is, you know?

You gotta admit, that looks pretty wize.

Operation Geek Babe

Operation Geek Babe, also can be referred to as "The Great Nerd Beautification Movement."

Context: 
I've always been kind of an ugly duckling.  Guys have had crushes on me, but they were always really socially inept and didn't really know what they were doing.  I've never felt compelled to wear really hot, "in-style" clothes because they were expensive and sometimes didn't really look all that good on people who weren't supermodel skinny.  Plus I was more interested in being super smart so I could get into a good high school and thus a good college.  But now I'm in college, and I am smart, like really smart, and I'm kind of tired of people implying that I'm fat and ugly.  My BMI is on the later half of "normal weight", borderline overweight, and it's really bothering the heck out of me.  My skin has finally cleared up after four years of blemished torture in high school, and I have free access to a pretty durn good gym at my uni apartment.  So next semester, aka USC Spring 2011, so begins Operation Geek Babe, which is also known as The Great Nerd Beautification Movement.

Procedures: 
- Go to the gym almost daily after class, lose 10-20 lbs. Also along this line, watch how much I eat of what I eat.  So in order of priority, how much comes before what.  Like I'd rather eat 1 slice of quiche than 3 bowls of green peas.  Man I hate green peas. 
- Wear makeup more often.  Note to self: Makeup Forever Aqua Eyes Pencil Eyeliner in Black actually kind of works. 
- Get braces again so teeth are straight and wear the retainer this time.  Bum bum BUM.  
- Do hair more often so it's not lumpy. 
- Wear sun screen so skin doesn't turn into a tanned mess in the hot sun. 
- Wear geeky shirts with pride and look hot in them because t-shirts don't have to be frumpy.  YUS. 

Hypothesis: 
I hypothesize that if I do all of the above, or most of the above....all the important parts of above, I will gain more confidence which will translate into higher performance in school (and hopefully a GPA of HIGHER than a straight, flat 3.50 this semester....) and more chances employment and internships in stuff so my parents stop implying that I'm a lazy, privileged failure. 

Operation Geek Babe will commence on January 10, 2011, which is the first day of the Spring 2011 semester. 

8:00 IN THE MORNING and Bing Crosby Season Vows

So my wonderful father has spoken.  I will wake up at 8:00am every morning from now on because the one thing he hates the most is when we sleep until noon.  Even though it's definitely winter break and I definitely have zero things to do.  So here I am, 9:40am on the day before Christmas, wondering what on Earth I should do.  I already made myself and my brother breakfast (french toast for me, 2 over-easy eggs for him).  For thirty minutes I haven't been able to think of anything to do but to steam a little bit about how my daddy wants me to wake up at 8:00am.  I'm taking a small amount of delight in the fact that in this case, there seems to be way too many hours in the day.

I'm not planning on leaving the house today because the day before Christmas is when the streets turn into Crazy Town, with angry shoppers recklessly making their way to last-minute shopping and picked-over dregs in the deserted aisles of department stores.  The one day I went shopping, half the mall black out, which quite literally led to a bunch of shoplifting (from Sephora mostly), borderline rioting, and frustration from mall patrons.  "A week before Christmas and the mall ISN'T WORKING???" I know, right? You'd think they'd have some kind of back-up power generator.  They did.  It ran out.  I had also sort of planned on not buying myself anything for this Christmas.  It's my Bing Crosby Season Vow.

What's a Bing Crosby Season Vow, you ask? Other than something I just made up, it's a promise I make to myself for the week before Christmas.  I decided to not buy myself anything because the Christmas I grew up with was filled with surprises and elation and not-knowing-what's-under-that-wrapping-paper-ness.  I can't shake this feeling that buying myself things for Christmas is no different than buying myself things during any other time of year, except that I have to wait however long until Christmas to actually use the purchase.  It's not a good feeling.  So, sad as it sounds, I told myself that I would rather not get anything at all than to get myself stuff.  I'm depressing.  D:

In the span of the twelve minutes I've spent on this blog post, I've thought of two things I could possibly do.  I could give the Julia/Julia Project Blog another go (I got so bored of her complainings the first time), or I could finish up my episodes of Gargoyles, which is one of the best 90's cartoons ever.  I love Gargoyles. :) Which is why I'm probably going to save that for later and I try to read Julie/Julia again.  Hmm.

Behold: 

La tostada francesa difícil de alcanzar!!!

Movie Review: Easy A

My Rating: 8/10
Imdb Rating: 7.3/10

Easy A is about a girl who pretends to get around in order to boost her reputation and financial standing, thus leading to all sorts of complications and the problems that come hand in hand with being thought of as a whore.  It was based loosely on The Scarlet Letter, which I thought was pretty clever, and stars Emma Stone, Penn Badgley, among others including Stanley Tucci, Amanda Bynes, and Malcolm McDowell.

The acting was pretty good, with the exception of Bynes who I've never thought was good at acting.  Emma Stone was fresh and effortless as a snarky, drawling comedic yet dramatic high schooler who's going through a major overhaul of her clean-cut image.  The only thing that bugs me is that I have a hunch that this is how Stone is in real life, and type-casting is something of which I am not a huge fan.  Stanley Tucci is spot-on as the eccentric, funny dad and has great chemistry with Patricia Clarkson.  Penn Badgley is adorable as "the guy," the one the audience (should) knows from the beginning is going to be Olive Penderghast's knight in shining armor, or in this case a Woodchuck costume.  Side bar: Badgley always seems to play "the guy" in conjunction with the "hip, gentlemanly guy that takes everybody's shit and is so laidback that he just takes it in stride and that's why we like him." My ex looks a lot like him and actually acts like him, too.  It makes me wish I hadn't broken up with my ex.  Maybe he wouldn't have gone full-fledge hippie on me.  ANYWAY.

The plot is easy to follow and enjoyable as well.  It's a little predictable but not so much that it makes everything boring.  The dialogue is sharp, but in a good way. The movie is set in the beautiful city of Ojai, where I actually almost went to boarding school.  I love Ojai, and the little small-town feeling it gave me with their famous orange groves and what-not. 

The one kind of unnecessary aspect was the Indian Guy, who I can't even find in the imdb cast list.  One of the guys who pays Olive to pretend to have hooked up with her is this Indian guy who pays her with a Bath and Body Works coupon.  He is the stereotypical Asian nerd, who dresses badly and can't speak English without an accent.  How unnecessary! Do they think they've covered all the "can't get some" bases by including this in the list of guys who pays Olive??? Besides the Indian, there are two other Asians in the cast and I didn't even see them while I was watching.  Asians are basically represented in this movie by one Indian guy, which I think is a valiant effort to include Asian Americans in film more....but at the same time, Ojai is a city with an Asian population so small that they don't even bother calculating a percentage for it on some census websites.  This is definitely a Caucasian movie, which is why I won't give it anything over a B-, however, in the curve of how Caucasian movies are rated, it got an A+.  If it weren't for that stereotypical Indian guy.

"Pretty Good For a Chinese Girl"

Here's the text from my take-home final exam for my Intro to Asian American History class.  I would just like to add....I got an A on that shiz :).  And I feel great about it because all of it is actually true. 

            While I was growing up, teachers and classmates pushed me toward a career in business or medicine by encouraging enrollment in math and science classes, and for thirteen years it never occurred to me that they did this because I was Chinese American.  In the 8^th grade, I won the lead role of Nancy in the musical Oliver!, which is set in England and has only Caucasian characters.  I was definitely subconscious about the fact that I did not look like I belonged in Charles Dickensian England, but I hoped my talent would speak for itself about why I was chosen to play that part, and that my ethnic background would be ignored in this case of color-blind casting.  However after the last performance, one of my Caucasian classmates came up to congratulate me, and said, “Wow! You did pretty well for a Chinese girl.” When I asked him to explain what he meant, he said that he rarely ever sees Chinese characters on television playing “artsy folk” because they were always doctors or gangsters or restaurant owners.  He just assumed that Chinese people were not good at acting because he had rarely ever seen Asian Americans in movies or on television.  For much of Asian American history, cinema was lacking in Asian American presence because of discrimination, and thus the history that was immortalized in these films lacked an accurate depiction of Asians.  In recent decades following the massive civil rights movement following the murder of Vincent Chin, Asians are appearing more frequently in films and television, but their roles are limited.  Furthermore, roles in American films that could be taken by Asian American actors often go to Asian actors, who were not born in the United States.  This causes an identity crisis because Asian Americans have either foreign Asian or Caucasian characters as role models.

            Casting directors often pass over Asian Americans because of their “oriental” appearance, especially when there is money to be made.  In his essay “The Centrality of Racism in Asian American History,” Ronald Takaki writes that Asians are different from Caucasian immigrants in that they cannot shed their original identities and hide behind an indiscernible ethnicity (Kurashige 11).  Because of this, they are denied many opportunities in the film industry, which is heavily based on appearances.  I was lucky in the 8^th grade to have gotten the chance to play a lead in a traditionally Caucasian musical.  However, once I entered high school and I was supposed to start narrowing my future career possibilities and figuring out what I want to do, the theatre teachers explicitly told me that I would never get a lead role.  At first I thought it was because my high school classmates were more talented than I.   However, one of the two theatre teachers, both of whom were Caucasian, pulled me aside after the auditions for Footloose, and said to me, “I’m sorry, but we wanted an American to play Ariel.  I hope you understand.  Maybe next year we’ll get the rights for Miss Saigon.” My theatre teacher believed that Asian Americans were not actually Americans, which Takaki says is a result of the Asians immigrants’ inability to drop their foreign qualities.  Furthermore, Hollywood executives often operate under the assumption that the collective audience in the United States would not want to sit for hours watching a “Chinaman” (Kurashige 474).  As a result, Asian Americans are rarely ever cast in lead roles in movies and television shows that are supposed to cater to a multiethnic audience. 

            Asian characters in movies or television often have amplified foreign characteristics so as to further distinguish these characters from the others.  Using actors who authentically have these characteristics serves to mitigate offense as well as lend credibility to the overall film.  In other words, these portrayals of Asians as foreign should not be offensive because they actually are foreign.  According to Hollywood, this import of foreign Asian actors is the reverse of what happened in the early 20^th century to Asian stars with American roots.  Before World War II, the first Chinese American superstar Anna May Wong had to go to Europe because good acting opportunities were denied.  Similarly, according to the document “Hollywood Recruits Asian Stars from the Hong Kong Cinema Industry”, martial artist superstar Bruce Lee had to go to Hong Kong to start his career (Kurashige 473).  However, Bruce Lee spent his early years growing up in Hong Kong and did not return to the United States until he was eighteen years old.  The course of his life actually may qualify him to be an Asian actor that Hollywood recruited.  The author calls this the “Crouching Tiger” effect, a reference to a successful kung fu movie that launched the craze of kung fu, allowing other actors whose careers are based on their ability to “karate chop” their opponents like Jet Li or Zhang Ziyi to enter Hollywood.  The popularity of kung fu actors like Bruce Lee occurred only after World War II, which indicates the emergence of China as an ally to the United States may have had some influence on the acceptance of these “foreign imports.” However, this also indicates that Asian Americans did not benefit from this newly accepting attitude unless they subscribed to this exotic, stereotypical Oriental paradigm. 

            This causes an identity crisis that is unique to Asian Americans in the entertainment industry.  Like Anna May Wong, I was expected to only fill roles that are meant for Asian actors.  The only time I was considered for a non-chorus part in a musical was when my high school was producing Little Shop of Horrors, and the part of the Chinese plant vendor was expanded to be a mystical dragon lady who oversees the carnivorous plant’s mutation throughout the entire plot.  My predicament was very similar to that of Anna May Wong.  In her essay “The Racialized Image of Anna May Wong,” Karen Janis Leong explores Wong’s experience as one of the earliest Asian American Hollywood stars and the implications her experience has for other Asian Americans in the entertainment industry.  In the United States, Wong’s access to roles was limited because of the perceived conflict between her American qualities such as speech and “flapper image” and supposed underlying “real” Chinese identity (Kurashige 210).  Similarly, my high school teachers seemed to believe that casting me as the dragon lady villain would be appropriate because not only do I look Chinese, but also because my inherent Chinese qualities would prevent offense. 

            I never actually got the part of the Chinese villain in Little Shop of Horrors, because it went to another Chinese American girl who made frequent trips to Beijing, China, and as a result had more “authentic” foreign qualities.  I know she was chosen because of this because she had no performing experience and had not even auditioned.  After that last straw, I sought opportunities in a different environment, much like how Anna May Wong and Bruce Lee had to go some place other than the United States in order to gain momentum.  I only found more opportunities in an Asian Pacific American performing troupe, where my fellow cast members were also Asian American, and there was no room for discrimination.  This suggests a bleak future for the increased presence of Asian American characters in the media.  However, the increased acceptance of Asians in the media is a step towards equal opportunities for Asian Americans.  Asian Americans will not have to choose between being Asian and being American. 

Bing Crosby Season Resolutions

Bing Crosby season has come upon us.  I call the few days before Christmas "Bing Crosby Season" because I believe Bing Crosby to be the uncontested king of Christmas ditties.  Bing Crosby season is the time for resolutions and personal improvement.  You could say that New Years Resolutions are supposed to do that, too, but I believe what better time to get sh-t done than right before the turn of the new year, when everything is winding down and everyone is relaxing and you finally have time to do things? So here are my Bing Crosby season resolutions.

Resolution #1: Blog more.  I have 0 readers, and I've just changed my url to something more me so any leftover stalkers won't know where to find me, and I can turn over a new leaf.  My life is pretty gd remarkable and it deserves to be immortalized in ways that everyone can do these days.  Besides, no one knows who the mysterious "Jasmine Tea" is....

Resolution #2: Stop worrying about my weight and just go with it.  I'm pretty chunky right now and I'm pretty sure that's contributing to the fact that no one wants to be around me.  People may say that they're openminded but they're really just pieces of crap.

Resolution #3: Stop allowing people to be mean to me.  I'm tired of people patronizing me because they think they know better than I how to go about life.  I am the most logical, manipulative, and life-savvy person I know....duhr.

Resolution #4: Make more friends at USC.  A semester has already gone by and I'm still pretty much friendless.  I mean, I'm good friends with my roommate, but roommate is roommate, that's on a plane higher than "friend." I have de facto best friends like LD and SC, but they're on higher planes, too, because I was bffs with them even before I went to USC.  I NEED AMIGOS.  

TV CHARACTER REVIEW: KATIE ANDREWS from NO ORDINARY FAMILY

What can I say about this character? I LOVE IT. 

Katie Andrews is one of the main character's lab assistants.  She is a comicbook fangirl and is played by Autumn Reeser, pictured above.  Her portrayal of comicbook fangirldom is gentle yet endearing and she's not irritating.  It's really quite progressive.  Not to mention she is dating the Watcher, the villain's righthand man, and their relationship is actually quite cute.  I do sincerely hope he starts to fall for her forrealz because that would be a huge kick-boost to my ego.  GEEKY GIRLS FTW!!! You go, Katie!! Keep up the awesomeness!!

"You sing pretty good for a Chinese girl."

In our lives we face moments that make us go...
"Did you really just say that?"

Most people, if not all, have one in their life that they will remember forever.  Maybe they heard someone yell "Beaner!" in the middle of a Mexican restaurant.  Maybe someone blurted out gibberish in the middle of a job interview.  I know what mine is, and I remember it as clear as if it happened yesterday.

And now I get to be graded on it.

Asian American History class take-home final exam you piece of poop.