Several things saved my life, but the first one was watching movies for myself. I think the reason I became such a hardcore movie geek was because throughout high school, I would watch DVDs on my laptop while doing homework. This was totally and completely behind my parents' backs because they would've flown totally off the handle if they knew how many movies I digested while doing math or English or whatever the hell. It was like a secret little treat for myself, something to keep the other 60% of my brain that I wasn't using occupied.
Watching movies for yourself and watching them with/for others are two quite different experiences. When you watch movies for/with others, you don't get the full effect...and I'm not saying it's an inferior experience to share in a movie viewing with someone else that you care about. It's total pair-bonding and a great way to get closer to another human being. But when you watch movies by yourself, you notice a lot more, you're basically pampering yourself. And who doesn't love solo guiltless pampering?
This is probably why I'm such a huge film geek today. I watched so many movies by myself and amassed such a knowledge of movies from just watching them over and over again by myself. I watched the Disney movies by myself so much that I am now the one among all my friends who knows the most about anything Disney that doesn't suck! (FYI I don't consider that Miley Cyrus and Jonas Brothers whatever crap to be Disney at all. May as well not exist.)
When you've already worked out, done your work, don't feel like hanging out with friends...get some Haagen-daas ice cream and do yourself a favor: watch a DVD just for yourself. For your own enjoyment. Don't worry that you're holed up in your room by yourself on what is probably the weekend, watching a movie, because this doesn't mean you "don't have a life" (I hate that phrase). It means that you have so much life that you need to take time for yourself. Devote your whole attention to the movie without having to worry about social bonding with another person at the same time. Trust me ;). It's a necessary experience.
I'm Not One of Those Size-Zero Asians
I'm tubby. And I'm not saying that to fish for compliments, I'm just sayin'...I am tubby. I like to blame it on the birth control pill I'm taking which is notorious for making the female form blow up big time, but there's always that annoying voice in the back of my mind that tells me 40-50% of my fattiness is being too busy and lazy and un-motivated to go work out and to stop binge-eating.
Confession time. I didn't realize until college but I had a major eating disorder thing going on in high school. I was 5'1" and 100 lbs. Sounds normal, right (at least does in LA...-_____-)? Not really when you take into account the fact that I would eat nothing until dinner, at which point I would just pick at my food and eat a little bit of rice, a little bit of bok choy, a tiny bit of mabo tofu, then drink a whole glass of juice to signal I was done. I was always hungry during school and that probably led to my super depressing freshman and sophomore years where everything was a mess and I was the most annoying emo piece of crap ever. Not to mention I would always fall asleep in class because I had zero energy from eating zero foods, and my stomach always hurt--it felt like it was eating itself. No exaggeration. It didn't help that the guy I had a huge crush on was constantly commenting on how I looked fat...EVEN THOUGH LOOKING AT PICTURE OF MYSELF IN HIGH SCHOOL I WAS SO EFFING SKINNY I was definitely delusional. It wasn't until after my crush graduated (my senior year...) and I discovered how being a geek made me so happy that I started eating at school again. I would actually eat lunch! And maybe bring a little sandwich or bagel or whatever for breakfast. You could say that acknowledging how much of a geek/nerd I naturally am and trying determinedly to be a geek/nerd saved my life. But more on that later.
During my senior year, I started to fill out. I went from 100-105 lbs to 120 lbs, which I thought was a disaster. O world what I would give to be 120 lbs now...I was afraid that all the guys I had liked would stop associating with me because I 'ballooned.' I hadn't seen nothin' yet, you could say. The guys still liked me, and now I had boobies. I was definitely happier. I loved my friends, I loved being geeky, but other people didn't. Instead of commenting on how I looked, people started calling me a "freak" for being a geek. More on that later as well. Before graduation, I went down to about 114 lbs. I attribute that to my happiness. I was skipping around all over the place because I was about to get out of awful high school, my boyfriend was the hottest athlete in school, and I was for-the-most-part happy with myself as a geek/nerd.
Then in college, when I started eating 2 meals a day, I went from 114-115 to 120-125 lbs and I wasn't that upset. I was more concerned with getting the f*ck out of BU so I didn't care that my birth control pill, which I was taking to get clear skin, was in conjunction with not exercising and eating more (eating a normal amount actually but more relative to what I was getting before...) was making me fill out. Life wasn't about what I weighed, it was more about the grades and the applications. Then I got into USC and life was amazing. Only then could I focus on getting healthy.
It's my second semester at USC and I'm now borderline overweight. Everyone tells me I don't look fat but let me ask the world this: when has it ever been socially acceptable to tell a girl she looks fat? I admit that sometimes in the morning when my stomach has digested everything, I look normal and healthy, but at night when I get stressed out and need brain fuel and I just eat, mentally I go a little nuts. "I shouldn't have eaten that fish." "WTF, why did I just eat that whole pint of Haagen-Daas Butter Pecan ice cream." "OMG I should've gone for the mooshy Asian pear instead of that leftover pasta." "Omg why am I drinking a soda, I'm already eating a mini quiche."
It's so easy yet so difficult to get my fat butt to the gym...I should go, but I don't have time, I should study, but I also feel disgusting. I'd have to say my second or even maybe the first biggest problem I have with L.A. is its severely skewed outwardly-broadcasted depiction of what a "good body" is. Sometimes it doesn't seem healthy for girls to want Megan Fox's body, Megan Fox who was recently described as "slowly disappearing" because she has been losing so much weight. It's a little scary that the only Asian American actresses that Asian American girls like me can look up to for weight are this:
or this:
And instead of commenting on how fat we look, and how it's normal for Asian girls to be skinny, that it's really American Asian girls who are fat, maybe the world should stop that bull sh*t and give us some words of encouragement. Yes, we are as pretty as our Asian-Homeland counterparts, and no, we don't have to be size zero like they all seem to be. Perhaps acknowledge that it's not normal to complain every day about how "I ate a sandwich. *SOBS*." or "I went to yoga and then I ate a chocolate muffin I am such a fattieeeee." Girls in general don't have to starve ourselves to be "healthy." I'm not a size zero...because that's not normal, is it? Why do I have to harm myself and overwork myself and deny myself food because everyone thinks that as a tubby Asian girl, I'm a failure?
I like to think that I'm cute, despite being tubby. And being sad is scientifically proven to not help us lose weight. Stress makes us keep it on. So why can't the world stop being sneaky and snide about our weight and realize that being tubby doesn't mean ugly?
In the mean time, I'm going to try to lose a bit around my middle area not for the sensitivities of everyone else but for the benefit of myself. I have to suck it in to fit into my jeans sometimes and I'm too lazy and broke to have to buy new ones. Even though Pac Sun has a good deal on buy 1 get 1 free skinny jeans. Also, I hear working out gives you more energy during the day, which I definitely need being an overworked, unpaid, constantly stressed out student. The gym membership that comes with my apartment lease is super useful and convenient, and goddamnit if I'm going to be paying close to $1000 monthly, I'm gonna use that gym. ;) But not because I want to be skinnier than my future slender ABC husband (hehe), but because I want to be able to power-walk non-stop up to the 8th floor of the Education building on campus without wheezing by the 7th.
Also I hear John Williams's Star Wars Main Theme in the living room. Squee. Um, final note, if I can be perfectly incandescently happy about my personal identity, why can't I be happy about my body?
This post was inspired by Thick Dumpling Skin. This blog is going to change things for women everywhere and I can't wait :). To women and girls everywhere suffering from self-esteem issues relating to weight and body image...you are beautiful no matter how much your weight or what size dress you wear, as long as you love someone and show unconditional kindness to someone, beauty extends through your whole body, and doesn't just rest on your surface. <3
Confession time. I didn't realize until college but I had a major eating disorder thing going on in high school. I was 5'1" and 100 lbs. Sounds normal, right (at least does in LA...-_____-)? Not really when you take into account the fact that I would eat nothing until dinner, at which point I would just pick at my food and eat a little bit of rice, a little bit of bok choy, a tiny bit of mabo tofu, then drink a whole glass of juice to signal I was done. I was always hungry during school and that probably led to my super depressing freshman and sophomore years where everything was a mess and I was the most annoying emo piece of crap ever. Not to mention I would always fall asleep in class because I had zero energy from eating zero foods, and my stomach always hurt--it felt like it was eating itself. No exaggeration. It didn't help that the guy I had a huge crush on was constantly commenting on how I looked fat...EVEN THOUGH LOOKING AT PICTURE OF MYSELF IN HIGH SCHOOL I WAS SO EFFING SKINNY I was definitely delusional. It wasn't until after my crush graduated (my senior year...) and I discovered how being a geek made me so happy that I started eating at school again. I would actually eat lunch! And maybe bring a little sandwich or bagel or whatever for breakfast. You could say that acknowledging how much of a geek/nerd I naturally am and trying determinedly to be a geek/nerd saved my life. But more on that later.
During my senior year, I started to fill out. I went from 100-105 lbs to 120 lbs, which I thought was a disaster. O world what I would give to be 120 lbs now...I was afraid that all the guys I had liked would stop associating with me because I 'ballooned.' I hadn't seen nothin' yet, you could say. The guys still liked me, and now I had boobies. I was definitely happier. I loved my friends, I loved being geeky, but other people didn't. Instead of commenting on how I looked, people started calling me a "freak" for being a geek. More on that later as well. Before graduation, I went down to about 114 lbs. I attribute that to my happiness. I was skipping around all over the place because I was about to get out of awful high school, my boyfriend was the hottest athlete in school, and I was for-the-most-part happy with myself as a geek/nerd.
Then in college, when I started eating 2 meals a day, I went from 114-115 to 120-125 lbs and I wasn't that upset. I was more concerned with getting the f*ck out of BU so I didn't care that my birth control pill, which I was taking to get clear skin, was in conjunction with not exercising and eating more (eating a normal amount actually but more relative to what I was getting before...) was making me fill out. Life wasn't about what I weighed, it was more about the grades and the applications. Then I got into USC and life was amazing. Only then could I focus on getting healthy.
It's my second semester at USC and I'm now borderline overweight. Everyone tells me I don't look fat but let me ask the world this: when has it ever been socially acceptable to tell a girl she looks fat? I admit that sometimes in the morning when my stomach has digested everything, I look normal and healthy, but at night when I get stressed out and need brain fuel and I just eat, mentally I go a little nuts. "I shouldn't have eaten that fish." "WTF, why did I just eat that whole pint of Haagen-Daas Butter Pecan ice cream." "OMG I should've gone for the mooshy Asian pear instead of that leftover pasta." "Omg why am I drinking a soda, I'm already eating a mini quiche."
It's so easy yet so difficult to get my fat butt to the gym...I should go, but I don't have time, I should study, but I also feel disgusting. I'd have to say my second or even maybe the first biggest problem I have with L.A. is its severely skewed outwardly-broadcasted depiction of what a "good body" is. Sometimes it doesn't seem healthy for girls to want Megan Fox's body, Megan Fox who was recently described as "slowly disappearing" because she has been losing so much weight. It's a little scary that the only Asian American actresses that Asian American girls like me can look up to for weight are this:
 |
| Ridiculous. |
 |
| I feel fat already. |
I like to think that I'm cute, despite being tubby. And being sad is scientifically proven to not help us lose weight. Stress makes us keep it on. So why can't the world stop being sneaky and snide about our weight and realize that being tubby doesn't mean ugly?
In the mean time, I'm going to try to lose a bit around my middle area not for the sensitivities of everyone else but for the benefit of myself. I have to suck it in to fit into my jeans sometimes and I'm too lazy and broke to have to buy new ones. Even though Pac Sun has a good deal on buy 1 get 1 free skinny jeans. Also, I hear working out gives you more energy during the day, which I definitely need being an overworked, unpaid, constantly stressed out student. The gym membership that comes with my apartment lease is super useful and convenient, and goddamnit if I'm going to be paying close to $1000 monthly, I'm gonna use that gym. ;) But not because I want to be skinnier than my future slender ABC husband (hehe), but because I want to be able to power-walk non-stop up to the 8th floor of the Education building on campus without wheezing by the 7th.
Also I hear John Williams's Star Wars Main Theme in the living room. Squee. Um, final note, if I can be perfectly incandescently happy about my personal identity, why can't I be happy about my body?
This post was inspired by Thick Dumpling Skin. This blog is going to change things for women everywhere and I can't wait :). To women and girls everywhere suffering from self-esteem issues relating to weight and body image...you are beautiful no matter how much your weight or what size dress you wear, as long as you love someone and show unconditional kindness to someone, beauty extends through your whole body, and doesn't just rest on your surface. <3
Does Undegrad Even Matter?!
I am an International Relations (IR) major......but I hate it. I want very badly to change my major or just drop IR so I that I can just be an East Asian Languages and Cultures (EALC) major. But Dragon Dad and Tiger Mom won't let me because that's lame.
Do you know what I really should be? A Business and/in the Cinematic Arts major. That's what I should be. I love films, and I love analyzing the sh*t out of them.....I should be a marketing major. I would be so f*cking good at making trailers and epic videos like the one that shows on the drop cloth in the pre-game activites at the Staples Center. So theatrical. I would be so good at that. But no, because I've already committed to being an IR major, I have to stay with it. I feel like a girl who has to stay with an insecure boyfriend who just won't let me go because I've put so much time into him. Lame.
Who was the dumb*ss who said college is supposed to be the best years of your life? I feel like crap. I'm bloated because of the birth control pill I'm taking to make my skin better, and I hate one of my majors, I feel like a failure at life if I don't do a double major, and I'm super unhappy all the time because I'm constantly worrying about grades! Well, at least my skin is good.
And I know for a fact that I want to go to business school, at UCLA, UCBerkeley, or USC. USC would be particularly awesome because they have that Business of Entertainment Certificate Program which would be perfect for me. So I have to get a really good GPA now so that it'll be easier for me to get in....and I should probably start studying for the GMAT soon huh.......
But really the best thing I can do right now is get off of Blogger and start studying for my Chinese oral midterm which is tomorrow. WHOOPS! Good bye, world. I'll get back to you later, I promise.
Do you know what I really should be? A Business and/in the Cinematic Arts major. That's what I should be. I love films, and I love analyzing the sh*t out of them.....I should be a marketing major. I would be so f*cking good at making trailers and epic videos like the one that shows on the drop cloth in the pre-game activites at the Staples Center. So theatrical. I would be so good at that. But no, because I've already committed to being an IR major, I have to stay with it. I feel like a girl who has to stay with an insecure boyfriend who just won't let me go because I've put so much time into him. Lame.
Who was the dumb*ss who said college is supposed to be the best years of your life? I feel like crap. I'm bloated because of the birth control pill I'm taking to make my skin better, and I hate one of my majors, I feel like a failure at life if I don't do a double major, and I'm super unhappy all the time because I'm constantly worrying about grades! Well, at least my skin is good.
And I know for a fact that I want to go to business school, at UCLA, UCBerkeley, or USC. USC would be particularly awesome because they have that Business of Entertainment Certificate Program which would be perfect for me. So I have to get a really good GPA now so that it'll be easier for me to get in....and I should probably start studying for the GMAT soon huh.......
But really the best thing I can do right now is get off of Blogger and start studying for my Chinese oral midterm which is tomorrow. WHOOPS! Good bye, world. I'll get back to you later, I promise.
The Biggest Regret of My Life
Song of the Day: "Ready the Ships" from How to Train Your Dragon by John Powell. I feel so bleak in love. /Emo.
I really need some help here. The biggest regret of my life has to do with a guy. Surprise.
Here's the situation:
Last year, while I was at BU, I was super high off herbal Chinese medicine that was supposed to help with my cough and I sent an email to the guy who I will call the Guy of My Dreams (GoMDs) about how much I think we should date. The stupidest thing I've ever done, hands down. Because I don't care how cute and successful those teen chick flick movies say this method is, that sh*t never works. It just creeps him out. Here is why I think/said we would be perfect together:
- He's Chinese and his family speaks Cantonese. Already beautiful.
- He likes film scores more than your average film score partaker. He wanted to be a film composer, but decided to take a more reliable route (business). Ummm, remind me of anyone much? (Reminds me of myself).
- We're both extremely driven and obsessed with success and grades.
- We both want to date someone Asian/Chinese.
- We both <3 the San Gabriel Valley.
- We don't go to the same university but we're in the same area (Southern California/L.A.) so we would still be able to see each other but we wouldn't get tired of each other.
- I think he's cute, he thought I was cute when he met me....we both think each other is cute.
- He's an Econ major and plans to get an MBA. I'm an IR/Chinese major and I plan to get an MBA.
Can you imagine what a power couple we would be?
My roommate brings up a good point. I'm only 20, I shouldn't even looking. But I wasn't looking for him! I met him in 2007 and he just kind of evolved into this amazing guy...The Guy of My Dreams. My roommate also says that I shouldn't keep holding onto the past, and that I should look towards the future. The thing is....that's what I'm doing. This wonderful guy would be good for my future. He's driven, I think he's physically attractive, and it would be a mutually symbiotic relationship. We would be so good for each other. My parents would be happy that I'm dating a good-looking, driven ABC from the San Gabriel Valley, and I would be able to help him with life in general because I'm just that f*cking awesome.
There are two problems/obstacles with my situation:
1. He goes to UCLA, our rival university. So he probably automatically hates my guts for going to USC.
2. I creeped him out by being too persistent with that stupid email. Worst. Mistake. Ever.
3. He might not think I'm cute anymore :'( because I've gained some weight.
I just want closure. He won't reply on the few occasions I've tried to reach out to him. I keep having dreams and daydreams about how we meet again in person by chance and he realizes that I'm actually perfect for him, and he falls in love with me instantly, and then he persistently tries to get me to go on dates with him.
But that would never happen, would it? What I don't need is people telling me to move on. Perfect matches like these don't happen every few years, let alone once a year, or every few days. Especially not for geeky, snubbed people who call themselves "Nerd Girl." Not for people like me, who instead of saying I'm Aquarius or in a sorority or that I'm a whatever major, I identify myself first as Slytherin, Fire Nation, and a film score/film/comicbook/music/etc. geek. I know the world seems like it's full of guys who would willing think I'm awesome, but do you know, world, how truly cruel you are?
All I really want.....is to see him in person again. I am in love with him. I'm 20, and I am in love with a guy who hates me and thinks I'm a freak. World, please help me. With your cosmic powers, please just help me not to love him without causing any harm to him (like don't kill him, that would be bad), or give me another chance to see him. I just really want to see him again, so I can convince him that I would make a great girlfriend for him.
----
I really need some help here. The biggest regret of my life has to do with a guy. Surprise.
Here's the situation:
Last year, while I was at BU, I was super high off herbal Chinese medicine that was supposed to help with my cough and I sent an email to the guy who I will call the Guy of My Dreams (GoMDs) about how much I think we should date. The stupidest thing I've ever done, hands down. Because I don't care how cute and successful those teen chick flick movies say this method is, that sh*t never works. It just creeps him out. Here is why I think/said we would be perfect together:
- He's Chinese and his family speaks Cantonese. Already beautiful.
- He likes film scores more than your average film score partaker. He wanted to be a film composer, but decided to take a more reliable route (business). Ummm, remind me of anyone much? (Reminds me of myself).
- We're both extremely driven and obsessed with success and grades.
- We both want to date someone Asian/Chinese.
- We both <3 the San Gabriel Valley.
- We don't go to the same university but we're in the same area (Southern California/L.A.) so we would still be able to see each other but we wouldn't get tired of each other.
- I think he's cute, he thought I was cute when he met me....we both think each other is cute.
- He's an Econ major and plans to get an MBA. I'm an IR/Chinese major and I plan to get an MBA.
Can you imagine what a power couple we would be?
My roommate brings up a good point. I'm only 20, I shouldn't even looking. But I wasn't looking for him! I met him in 2007 and he just kind of evolved into this amazing guy...The Guy of My Dreams. My roommate also says that I shouldn't keep holding onto the past, and that I should look towards the future. The thing is....that's what I'm doing. This wonderful guy would be good for my future. He's driven, I think he's physically attractive, and it would be a mutually symbiotic relationship. We would be so good for each other. My parents would be happy that I'm dating a good-looking, driven ABC from the San Gabriel Valley, and I would be able to help him with life in general because I'm just that f*cking awesome.
There are two problems/obstacles with my situation:
1. He goes to UCLA, our rival university. So he probably automatically hates my guts for going to USC.
2. I creeped him out by being too persistent with that stupid email. Worst. Mistake. Ever.
3. He might not think I'm cute anymore :'( because I've gained some weight.
I just want closure. He won't reply on the few occasions I've tried to reach out to him. I keep having dreams and daydreams about how we meet again in person by chance and he realizes that I'm actually perfect for him, and he falls in love with me instantly, and then he persistently tries to get me to go on dates with him.
But that would never happen, would it? What I don't need is people telling me to move on. Perfect matches like these don't happen every few years, let alone once a year, or every few days. Especially not for geeky, snubbed people who call themselves "Nerd Girl." Not for people like me, who instead of saying I'm Aquarius or in a sorority or that I'm a whatever major, I identify myself first as Slytherin, Fire Nation, and a film score/film/comicbook/music/etc. geek. I know the world seems like it's full of guys who would willing think I'm awesome, but do you know, world, how truly cruel you are?
All I really want.....is to see him in person again. I am in love with him. I'm 20, and I am in love with a guy who hates me and thinks I'm a freak. World, please help me. With your cosmic powers, please just help me not to love him without causing any harm to him (like don't kill him, that would be bad), or give me another chance to see him. I just really want to see him again, so I can convince him that I would make a great girlfriend for him.
----
Jack Sparrow Soulmate (JSSM) Update:
GoMDs aside, I've seen JSSM THREE TIMES since I wrote that blog post about how I have to talk to him and make him my friend. And every time I've been struck dumb, so stunned that I'm seeing him and totally unable to stop him and introduce myself. How sad is that?
Hello, world. My name is Nerd Girl, like a stereotypical geekus primary, I'm currently unlucky in social relationships.
Soulmates: Expect the Unexpected
Have you ever felt a weird spark run through your whole body when you look at someone? And I'm not talking about in a weird, sexual way, I mean when you look at someone you keep seeing before, and you just need/want to talk to them, to introduce yourself, but your rational left brain says, "No, wtf are you thinking, that's so weird, and this person who very well could be your [platonic] soulmate will probably get really creeped out."
This phenomenon happened to me this morning. I was walking out of my apartment complex, one of the few USC students who doesn't have a bike, when for some reason-I-don't-even-know I turned around while pulling up my hood and saw him. Too bad I was also reaching for the zipper on my long coat so it kind of looked like I was reaching for my crotch and I got kind of embarrassed and turned back around. But I saw him, and it was definitely him. It was the little Johnny Depp a la Jack Sparrow that I always see around. I've seen him before around my apartment complex and I have always wanted to tell him how much he looks like Jack Sparrow, such a good conversation starter, non? But of the bajillion times I've seen him, not once have I ever spoken to him, but I have made eye contact, and I know he knows I exist, and I know he knows I know he exists (at least I think he does).
The weird thing is...he's not my type at all. He's probably 5'5", stocky, pale, not Asian, and dresses like he's probably a Cinema Production major, which is counter to the Biology-plus-MBA-Southern-Chinese ideal I'm shooting for for marriage, which is how I can already tell...I just want to be this guy's friend. No, alas, I need to be his friend.
So I have decided that the next possible moment when he's walking by himself, I'm going to introduce myself, and get to know him, and we're going to be friends. This will quite possible be the first time I will ever do something based on some kind of chemically-hormonally-induced supernatural mumbo jumbo b.s. feeling that this guy....is my soulmate. In a friend way. We're meant to be friends, that's why for some reason we both live in the same apartment building and we see each other all the time. It's like taking 8/9 classes to fulfill a Biology major...you just kind of have to add on that major, it wouldn't make any sense not to. You only have to take one more class! You might as well.
Resolve.
This phenomenon happened to me this morning. I was walking out of my apartment complex, one of the few USC students who doesn't have a bike, when for some reason-I-don't-even-know I turned around while pulling up my hood and saw him. Too bad I was also reaching for the zipper on my long coat so it kind of looked like I was reaching for my crotch and I got kind of embarrassed and turned back around. But I saw him, and it was definitely him. It was the little Johnny Depp a la Jack Sparrow that I always see around. I've seen him before around my apartment complex and I have always wanted to tell him how much he looks like Jack Sparrow, such a good conversation starter, non? But of the bajillion times I've seen him, not once have I ever spoken to him, but I have made eye contact, and I know he knows I exist, and I know he knows I know he exists (at least I think he does).
The weird thing is...he's not my type at all. He's probably 5'5", stocky, pale, not Asian, and dresses like he's probably a Cinema Production major, which is counter to the Biology-plus-MBA-Southern-Chinese ideal I'm shooting for for marriage, which is how I can already tell...I just want to be this guy's friend. No, alas, I need to be his friend.
So I have decided that the next possible moment when he's walking by himself, I'm going to introduce myself, and get to know him, and we're going to be friends. This will quite possible be the first time I will ever do something based on some kind of chemically-hormonally-induced supernatural mumbo jumbo b.s. feeling that this guy....is my soulmate. In a friend way. We're meant to be friends, that's why for some reason we both live in the same apartment building and we see each other all the time. It's like taking 8/9 classes to fulfill a Biology major...you just kind of have to add on that major, it wouldn't make any sense not to. You only have to take one more class! You might as well.
Resolve.
 |
| I'm not even lying, he totally looks like this, except shorter and paler. I swear! |
I'm 20. What.
The above dragged-picture screenshot is of my email inbox. I haven't even counted. This is what happens to my facebook when it's my birthday. A lot of people I barely talk to wish me happy birthday. And while I'm not a huge fan of wishing people I barely know happy birthday when it's their birthday, I have to admit this makes me feel pretty special. :)
On Thursdays the Lakers played the Celtics, and won (happy face because Champions wear purple and gold). Then yesterday they played the Knicks and won again (happier face). And tomorrow they're going to play the Orlando Magic, and I reaaaaaally want them to win. Then I would have a Laker Victory Birthday Sandwich!! A great birthday on two slices of Lakers Wins. Yummm!!
Today I'm just trying to avoid doing anything that would screw everything the sh*t up. I refuse to have a suck-*ss birthday...I don't normally act like such a demanding little princess but on my birthday, I give up and just pull the birthday card on everythinggg. I deserve a day like this!! PLUS. This is my year, b*tch. THIS ISN'T THE YEAR OF THE RABBIT (itistheyearoftherabbit),THIS IS THE YEAR OF THE NERD GIRL. I got into USC, got the helllll out of BU, and I'm getting good grades, and my life is going somewhere now. This is mah year.
The Snubbing of Nerd Girl: The Brush Off and the Identity Crisis
So....I am a little disillusioned. I emailed one of the people at Racebending.com and expressed in interest in contributing to the cause. I sent him a writing sample and after that he just kind of.....stopped replying. So...he's either really busy, which I'm hoping is the case, or hated my writing, or thinks I'm totally unqualified to help with the Racebending.com cause. I sent him a later email after watching Glee and pointed out the racist elements of the TV show, which I thought, like the innocent, doe-eyed idiot I am, he would super appreciate and would be so impressed that he would give me a million things I could do on the USC campus to help with Racebending.com. At the end of the email, I casually wondered if there was in fact anything I could do--I wasn't even asking outright for a "position" at Racebending.com, which he told me are completely voluntary (How can they be voluntary if some people who genuinely want to contribute are snubbed?). Instead I received a reply the next morning:
That's not the end of the snubbing of this week. I had recently received a mass email from someone in one of my classes and I actually replied. Turns out that in a class of 200 students, I was the only one. I had just expressed interest in a massive project that would be taken on by 3 people, two of which can barely speak Standard American English. I am not expressing derision. I'm just showing that I was the minority. "We're thinking of making a play, or a movie, or something, that shows a real kind of China to the Americans," the girl told me. I liked it, I was interested, I wanted to be involved. "I'd love to help," I said.
"Oh. It's kind of going to be in Chinese...sooo...."
It didn't make sense. The point of her "club" is to show Americans what Chinese culture and people are really like, in light of the "Chinese threat" that has risen in the past months. So....her play/film is going to not be in English? And this was the first time in my life that I faced that awful identity crisis I had heard about in Hollywood Chinese. Being Chinese American, I'm not accepted by the American people because I look Chinese and not white. People just assume that I'm fobby, until they realize that I'm not. But being Chinese American, I'm also snubbed by other Chinese because, what, I don't speak Mandarin? Oh yeah, disregard the fact that I'm very smart, and very resourceful, and have had experience in the creative arts producing things, and being behind the camera or backstage as opposed to in the limelight (I've also been in the limelight), but I don't get to be a part of this because I'm "not really Chinese." Wonderful.
So I just stopped replying to her. This girl heaped a bunch of work on me, interviewing people and being pushy and getting me to do things because, oh, I'm the American so I don't put as much emphasis on academics as she does, it's okay, you can go interview the lady by yourself even though I haven't given you the details about any of it. Unacceptable. I'm way too busy for this and I'm not going to accept the bull sh*t.
Still holding out for Racebending.com, if not with a bittersweet outlook now. Oh, Racebending.com, there's so much I could've done for you!
Hi,No response to my question whatsoever. Maybe I'm being hormonal, but I felt like he was brushing me off. I had explicitly asked if there was anything I could do--I was willing to give up my time of being a college student at USC to spread awareness about their cause, but he gives me nothing? I've never faced a problem like this before! What I'm hoping is that he didn't see my question, he forgot to answer it, or he's trying to think of something awesome I could do and will let me know later.
I personally got tired of Glee about halfway through the first season. Its portrayal of race, as you point out, is problematic. The show's definitely been amazing for gay advocacy and portraying a nuanced gay teenager in the form of Kurt - this is unsurprising, given the background of Glee's creators.
Still, although the show is problematic, as Harry Shum himself said about the show: It has an Asian girl portrayed as a goth and an Asian guy as a football player, in a happy relationship together. That's something of an accomplishment in and of itself. I can't think of another example of an Asian male/female relationship portrayed in a positive light, with the exception of Lost (and even that took a lot of time).
The writing is absolutely wanting in nuanced portrayals of people of color, and in giving the limelight to anyone who's of a darker skin tone. I had to stop watching because I couldn't stand it anymore, but I acknowledge that the show didn't have to include any people of color at all (like 95% of shows on television right now).
Basically: could be a lot better, could be worse.
That's not the end of the snubbing of this week. I had recently received a mass email from someone in one of my classes and I actually replied. Turns out that in a class of 200 students, I was the only one. I had just expressed interest in a massive project that would be taken on by 3 people, two of which can barely speak Standard American English. I am not expressing derision. I'm just showing that I was the minority. "We're thinking of making a play, or a movie, or something, that shows a real kind of China to the Americans," the girl told me. I liked it, I was interested, I wanted to be involved. "I'd love to help," I said.
"Oh. It's kind of going to be in Chinese...sooo...."
It didn't make sense. The point of her "club" is to show Americans what Chinese culture and people are really like, in light of the "Chinese threat" that has risen in the past months. So....her play/film is going to not be in English? And this was the first time in my life that I faced that awful identity crisis I had heard about in Hollywood Chinese. Being Chinese American, I'm not accepted by the American people because I look Chinese and not white. People just assume that I'm fobby, until they realize that I'm not. But being Chinese American, I'm also snubbed by other Chinese because, what, I don't speak Mandarin? Oh yeah, disregard the fact that I'm very smart, and very resourceful, and have had experience in the creative arts producing things, and being behind the camera or backstage as opposed to in the limelight (I've also been in the limelight), but I don't get to be a part of this because I'm "not really Chinese." Wonderful.
So I just stopped replying to her. This girl heaped a bunch of work on me, interviewing people and being pushy and getting me to do things because, oh, I'm the American so I don't put as much emphasis on academics as she does, it's okay, you can go interview the lady by yourself even though I haven't given you the details about any of it. Unacceptable. I'm way too busy for this and I'm not going to accept the bull sh*t.
Still holding out for Racebending.com, if not with a bittersweet outlook now. Oh, Racebending.com, there's so much I could've done for you!
Movie Review: Eat Pray Love
First off, I would like to thank the Lakers for not letting me down yesterday. Good job beating the Houston Rockets (without Yao Ming) in overtime by 8 points. 8 is a good number. I slept well that night.
My Rating: 5/10
IMDB Rating: 5.1/10
Where do I start with this movie? Eat Pray Love is based on a book by Elizabeth Gilbert, who was paid by her publisher or whoever to travel the world and find herself. This is the epitome of "priv-lit" (privileged literature). Let's list the specs:
- casting of Julia Roberts as the main person
- casting of Javier Bardem as the Brazilian lover
- casting of James Franco as the original boyfriend with whom Gilbert's character gets with soon after divorcing her perfectly adequate husband....
- A section in Italy based entirely around food
So after this reveal ^^^, you'd think that this movie was totally awesome. Potentially life-changing material, right? I mean, you've got Julia Roberts, Javier Bardem, and James Franco to draw in a diverse audience, as well as visual scenery the likes of which doesn't belong in such an awful movie....Italy, India, and Bali. But my beef isn't with the way the movie looked. Javier Bardem is surely fun to watch no matter what he's doing, and Julia Roberts doesn't make me want to X-out of the movie either, and presentation of the food (what little food they showed...) was quite tasteful. Stretched pun intended. My beef is with the characters.....really all of them.
The risk with this kind of "based on the true life story of" films is that people will go in and utterly judge the main character. It's a no-win situation. Julia Roberts plays Elizabeth Gilbert (listed on IMDB as "Liz Gilbert"), the author of the original book on which the filmed is based and the character around which all the movement happens. Julia Roberts is a phenomenal-if-not-a-little-dry actress. It's just that the woman she was supposed to portray is so annoying. The same thing happened with Julie and Julia. When the movie was made, everyone started to hate the character of Julie Powell because she was just so goddamn whiney. But these women have real-life counterparts, and as a result, I already dislike Elizabeth Gilbert even though I've never even met her! Here's why: she's in a marriage with a successful lawyer who obviously loves her a lot, but she divorces him because, it seems, her marriage isn't exciting enough. She gets with her boyfriend (played in the film by James Franco), who is a meditating, guru-worshiping hippie with whom she also fights. Life unfulfilled. Drops everything (the film conveniently neglects to mention that the bill was footed by her publisher...), and goes on an around the world trip to Italy, India, and Bali. PREMISE. Then she finds the love of her life (supposedly Javier Bardem) in Bali. True happiness.
Liz Gilbert...in my humble opinion....really needs to get off her little soap box pedestal which is balancing on a high horse. While in Italy she chides her new found American friend (in Italy) about not worrying about her waistline. Then there's a whole montage where she can't fit into jeans and skinny Julia Roberts comments on how she can't get sexy lingerie because she's "fine with her big-girl pants." Yeah. That's believable, she says sarcastically. Then she goes to India, which she only does because apparently she, like, actually got something from her free-drifting boyfriend, but it seems like the only reason she even goes to India is because of him. That is not a good reason. Then she goes and she meets a dry-humored old guy with a past. *Life-change*. Then she goes to Bali, where she then meet the love of her life, played by Javier Bardem, and we're supposed to be happy for her. Come on, who wouldn't be happy with Javier Bardem, right? Except that in real life he actually looks like this:
HE LOOKS TO BE ABOUT 30 YEARS OLD THAN HER??? HE COULD BE HER DAD....Ok, so couples with large age differences are not that uncommon, but when your life is being made into a high budget movie with an actress who is known for demanding a high salary...you're okay with them taking your current husband who looks like that and making him into Javier Bardem? Now I don't feel so bitter towards your Privileged Life!! Not only is Liz Gilbert's life so unlikeable, but it sucks that she's capitalizing off what basically was her thousands upon thousands of dollars trip around the world to basically find another husband. It's a little sickening.
In the Italy section of the story, there was actually hardly any food scenes. There was maybe 3. It's like this director forgot Audience Attracting 101. PRETTY FOOD SELLS. And while the presence of the artichokes, and the marguerita pizza, and whatever else probably drew some people, I know a lot of people were disappointed that there wasn't more food.
In order to watch this movie, the viewer should have an extremely high tolerance for whiney and irritating and a lot of "Caucasians gracing the minorities with their humbled presence." The only redeeming quality of the film seems to be Javier Bardem who just can't seem to do anything wrong (<3), but he may as well be a whole new character. It's like putting in a newly invented villain into a Batman movie. The fans will be like "WTF?" And Bardem does get with annoying, whiney Liz Gilbert/Julia Roberts, so his persona is kind of ruined near the end.
IMDB Rating: 5.1/10
Where do I start with this movie? Eat Pray Love is based on a book by Elizabeth Gilbert, who was paid by her publisher or whoever to travel the world and find herself. This is the epitome of "priv-lit" (privileged literature). Let's list the specs:
- casting of Julia Roberts as the main person
- casting of Javier Bardem as the Brazilian lover
- casting of James Franco as the original boyfriend with whom Gilbert's character gets with soon after divorcing her perfectly adequate husband....
- A section in Italy based entirely around food
So after this reveal ^^^, you'd think that this movie was totally awesome. Potentially life-changing material, right? I mean, you've got Julia Roberts, Javier Bardem, and James Franco to draw in a diverse audience, as well as visual scenery the likes of which doesn't belong in such an awful movie....Italy, India, and Bali. But my beef isn't with the way the movie looked. Javier Bardem is surely fun to watch no matter what he's doing, and Julia Roberts doesn't make me want to X-out of the movie either, and presentation of the food (what little food they showed...) was quite tasteful. Stretched pun intended. My beef is with the characters.....really all of them.
The risk with this kind of "based on the true life story of" films is that people will go in and utterly judge the main character. It's a no-win situation. Julia Roberts plays Elizabeth Gilbert (listed on IMDB as "Liz Gilbert"), the author of the original book on which the filmed is based and the character around which all the movement happens. Julia Roberts is a phenomenal-if-not-a-little-dry actress. It's just that the woman she was supposed to portray is so annoying. The same thing happened with Julie and Julia. When the movie was made, everyone started to hate the character of Julie Powell because she was just so goddamn whiney. But these women have real-life counterparts, and as a result, I already dislike Elizabeth Gilbert even though I've never even met her! Here's why: she's in a marriage with a successful lawyer who obviously loves her a lot, but she divorces him because, it seems, her marriage isn't exciting enough. She gets with her boyfriend (played in the film by James Franco), who is a meditating, guru-worshiping hippie with whom she also fights. Life unfulfilled. Drops everything (the film conveniently neglects to mention that the bill was footed by her publisher...), and goes on an around the world trip to Italy, India, and Bali. PREMISE. Then she finds the love of her life (supposedly Javier Bardem) in Bali. True happiness.
Liz Gilbert...in my humble opinion....really needs to get off her little soap box pedestal which is balancing on a high horse. While in Italy she chides her new found American friend (in Italy) about not worrying about her waistline. Then there's a whole montage where she can't fit into jeans and skinny Julia Roberts comments on how she can't get sexy lingerie because she's "fine with her big-girl pants." Yeah. That's believable, she says sarcastically. Then she goes to India, which she only does because apparently she, like, actually got something from her free-drifting boyfriend, but it seems like the only reason she even goes to India is because of him. That is not a good reason. Then she goes and she meets a dry-humored old guy with a past. *Life-change*. Then she goes to Bali, where she then meet the love of her life, played by Javier Bardem, and we're supposed to be happy for her. Come on, who wouldn't be happy with Javier Bardem, right? Except that in real life he actually looks like this:
 | |
| "Hey sweetie, when I was your age, there was no such thing as a car." |
In the Italy section of the story, there was actually hardly any food scenes. There was maybe 3. It's like this director forgot Audience Attracting 101. PRETTY FOOD SELLS. And while the presence of the artichokes, and the marguerita pizza, and whatever else probably drew some people, I know a lot of people were disappointed that there wasn't more food.
In order to watch this movie, the viewer should have an extremely high tolerance for whiney and irritating and a lot of "Caucasians gracing the minorities with their humbled presence." The only redeeming quality of the film seems to be Javier Bardem who just can't seem to do anything wrong (<3), but he may as well be a whole new character. It's like putting in a newly invented villain into a Batman movie. The fans will be like "WTF?" And Bardem does get with annoying, whiney Liz Gilbert/Julia Roberts, so his persona is kind of ruined near the end.
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