Confession time. I didn't realize until college but I had a major eating disorder thing going on in high school. I was 5'1" and 100 lbs. Sounds normal, right (at least does in LA...-_____-)? Not really when you take into account the fact that I would eat nothing until dinner, at which point I would just pick at my food and eat a little bit of rice, a little bit of bok choy, a tiny bit of mabo tofu, then drink a whole glass of juice to signal I was done. I was always hungry during school and that probably led to my super depressing freshman and sophomore years where everything was a mess and I was the most annoying emo piece of crap ever. Not to mention I would always fall asleep in class because I had zero energy from eating zero foods, and my stomach always hurt--it felt like it was eating itself. No exaggeration. It didn't help that the guy I had a huge crush on was constantly commenting on how I looked fat...EVEN THOUGH LOOKING AT PICTURE OF MYSELF IN HIGH SCHOOL I WAS SO EFFING SKINNY I was definitely delusional. It wasn't until after my crush graduated (my senior year...) and I discovered how being a geek made me so happy that I started eating at school again. I would actually eat lunch! And maybe bring a little sandwich or bagel or whatever for breakfast. You could say that acknowledging how much of a geek/nerd I naturally am and trying determinedly to be a geek/nerd saved my life. But more on that later.
During my senior year, I started to fill out. I went from 100-105 lbs to 120 lbs, which I thought was a disaster. O world what I would give to be 120 lbs now...I was afraid that all the guys I had liked would stop associating with me because I 'ballooned.' I hadn't seen nothin' yet, you could say. The guys still liked me, and now I had boobies. I was definitely happier. I loved my friends, I loved being geeky, but other people didn't. Instead of commenting on how I looked, people started calling me a "freak" for being a geek. More on that later as well. Before graduation, I went down to about 114 lbs. I attribute that to my happiness. I was skipping around all over the place because I was about to get out of awful high school, my boyfriend was the hottest athlete in school, and I was for-the-most-part happy with myself as a geek/nerd.
Then in college, when I started eating 2 meals a day, I went from 114-115 to 120-125 lbs and I wasn't that upset. I was more concerned with getting the f*ck out of BU so I didn't care that my birth control pill, which I was taking to get clear skin, was in conjunction with not exercising and eating more (eating a normal amount actually but more relative to what I was getting before...) was making me fill out. Life wasn't about what I weighed, it was more about the grades and the applications. Then I got into USC and life was amazing. Only then could I focus on getting healthy.
It's my second semester at USC and I'm now borderline overweight. Everyone tells me I don't look fat but let me ask the world this: when has it ever been socially acceptable to tell a girl she looks fat? I admit that sometimes in the morning when my stomach has digested everything, I look normal and healthy, but at night when I get stressed out and need brain fuel and I just eat, mentally I go a little nuts. "I shouldn't have eaten that fish." "WTF, why did I just eat that whole pint of Haagen-Daas Butter Pecan ice cream." "OMG I should've gone for the mooshy Asian pear instead of that leftover pasta." "Omg why am I drinking a soda, I'm already eating a mini quiche."
It's so easy yet so difficult to get my fat butt to the gym...I should go, but I don't have time, I should study, but I also feel disgusting. I'd have to say my second or even maybe the first biggest problem I have with L.A. is its severely skewed outwardly-broadcasted depiction of what a "good body" is. Sometimes it doesn't seem healthy for girls to want Megan Fox's body, Megan Fox who was recently described as "slowly disappearing" because she has been losing so much weight. It's a little scary that the only Asian American actresses that Asian American girls like me can look up to for weight are this:
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| Ridiculous. |
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| I feel fat already. |
I like to think that I'm cute, despite being tubby. And being sad is scientifically proven to not help us lose weight. Stress makes us keep it on. So why can't the world stop being sneaky and snide about our weight and realize that being tubby doesn't mean ugly?
In the mean time, I'm going to try to lose a bit around my middle area not for the sensitivities of everyone else but for the benefit of myself. I have to suck it in to fit into my jeans sometimes and I'm too lazy and broke to have to buy new ones. Even though Pac Sun has a good deal on buy 1 get 1 free skinny jeans. Also, I hear working out gives you more energy during the day, which I definitely need being an overworked, unpaid, constantly stressed out student. The gym membership that comes with my apartment lease is super useful and convenient, and goddamnit if I'm going to be paying close to $1000 monthly, I'm gonna use that gym. ;) But not because I want to be skinnier than my future slender ABC husband (hehe), but because I want to be able to power-walk non-stop up to the 8th floor of the Education building on campus without wheezing by the 7th.
Also I hear John Williams's Star Wars Main Theme in the living room. Squee. Um, final note, if I can be perfectly incandescently happy about my personal identity, why can't I be happy about my body?
This post was inspired by Thick Dumpling Skin. This blog is going to change things for women everywhere and I can't wait :). To women and girls everywhere suffering from self-esteem issues relating to weight and body image...you are beautiful no matter how much your weight or what size dress you wear, as long as you love someone and show unconditional kindness to someone, beauty extends through your whole body, and doesn't just rest on your surface. <3
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