I've been MIA lately. Last Friday I positively fainted from exhaustion, so tired was I. I couldn't even bring myself to go to class after collapsing straight onto my bed. This week is the last week of classes and it's not much better. I skipped two classes this morning, missing a quiz on Taiwan, and then I barely got myself to go to my 12:00pm class. Afterwards, I did something I very much needed--I went to the USC Bookstore and got a bunch of quill nubs for calligraphy and a 100-page pack of parchment paper. I'm one of those people who relishes simple things like recreating things that are basically obsolete, like writing letters. I actually have a penpal, a legit non-creepy one (I've checked her out to make sure).
Tomorrow I have to buckle down on work and really focus, even though I'm going to Game 5 of the Lakers vs. Hornets Playoffs Series...so much homework! I'm definitely bringing my textbook to Staples Center.
Today I ate a Stouffer's Mac n Cheese. It looked appetizing while I was starving in CVS, so I splurged (again, second time today) and got it. I should have taken a picture. Too much cheese, not enough mac, and next time I'm going to chop up a bunch of turkey weiners, fry 'em up a bit, and toss them in there. It was so unsatisfying, but I feel like it was because I was expecting too much from a microwaveable mac n' cheese meal.
Later I got $3.04 worth of Madagascar Vanilla, Double Chocolate Cookie Dough, and NSA Strawberry Cheesecake frozen yogurt from the nearby Yogurtland.
A few hours later, I ate a huge handful of baby carrots wrapped in deli turkey with a little bit of Sriracha chili sauce.
Should I turn this into my food blog? Must take pictures next time.
Feeling the Race
Lately I've been watching a bunch of shows and movies that keep making me more and more aware of how not white I am, and it sucks.
Sure, Lord of the Rings: Return of the King won 10+ Oscar Awards, but could that movie get any more lily-white? What happens to those fans like me, who has the yellow-tone, darker skin, but who wants to be like the epic elves that salute the new king of Gondor at the finale of the film? Do I get to be one of the "fair" elves in my dreams, too? I mean, Tolkien must have been thinking something when he made it cooler to be a dark-haired elf than a light-haired one. And what's with making their eyes all blue, huh? What exactly are you trying to say, Tolkien.
It's difficult sometimes, to be a geek but feel like these worlds exclude you because you don't have dark blue eyes or pink undertones in your fair skin. Where you feel like you're telling the world, "No, in this world, Caucasian isn't the default race," but every movie seems to tell you differently. I don't want to feel like I'm not allowed to be a part of this just because I'm not white, but the ugly truth of the matter is that it does make me feel that way. Why don't I get access to the really juicy stuff, and not have to be happy with Slumdog Millionaire, The Life of Pi, and kung fu movies?! I don't even like any of that!
Sure, Lord of the Rings: Return of the King won 10+ Oscar Awards, but could that movie get any more lily-white? What happens to those fans like me, who has the yellow-tone, darker skin, but who wants to be like the epic elves that salute the new king of Gondor at the finale of the film? Do I get to be one of the "fair" elves in my dreams, too? I mean, Tolkien must have been thinking something when he made it cooler to be a dark-haired elf than a light-haired one. And what's with making their eyes all blue, huh? What exactly are you trying to say, Tolkien.
It's difficult sometimes, to be a geek but feel like these worlds exclude you because you don't have dark blue eyes or pink undertones in your fair skin. Where you feel like you're telling the world, "No, in this world, Caucasian isn't the default race," but every movie seems to tell you differently. I don't want to feel like I'm not allowed to be a part of this just because I'm not white, but the ugly truth of the matter is that it does make me feel that way. Why don't I get access to the really juicy stuff, and not have to be happy with Slumdog Millionaire, The Life of Pi, and kung fu movies?! I don't even like any of that!
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| Can I just pretend that a Chinese girl can be an elf, too? |
One of my inspirational heroes: Mako
So this November (hopefully), there will be a miniseries called Avatar: The Legend of Korra, and is there anyone in the world as excited about this as I am?
They recently released an exclusive cast list, and it wasn't so much the big names on the cast that caught my eye. It was the name of one character......"Mako."
For those of you who don't know because you don't pay attention to these things like I do, Mako is also the name of a very prominent late Japanese American actor/voice actor. He played Uncle Iroh, aka my favorite character from the original Avatar: The Last Airbender until his death on July 21, 2006 at the age of 72.
Upon his death, the creators of Avatar: TLA dedicated the episode "The Tales of Ba Sing Se: The Tale of Iroh" to him, and that episode never fails to make me cry. Mako is an inspiration to all Asian Americans everywhere with the walls he broke down in American cinema, to become such a prominent presence, so much so that he was honored in memorium at the 79th Academy Awards.
So the subtle dedication of a character to Mako might be the sweetest act I've seen in a while. It balances out the awful casting of Seychelle Gabriel, which is Shyamalan Live Action stain on an upcoming work with otherwise goodlooking prospects....
They recently released an exclusive cast list, and it wasn't so much the big names on the cast that caught my eye. It was the name of one character......"Mako."
For those of you who don't know because you don't pay attention to these things like I do, Mako is also the name of a very prominent late Japanese American actor/voice actor. He played Uncle Iroh, aka my favorite character from the original Avatar: The Last Airbender until his death on July 21, 2006 at the age of 72.
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| Mako lives on! |
So the subtle dedication of a character to Mako might be the sweetest act I've seen in a while. It balances out the awful casting of Seychelle Gabriel, which is Shyamalan Live Action stain on an upcoming work with otherwise goodlooking prospects....
Soulmate Update
I saw JSSM (Jack Sparrow Soulmate) while walking to class today. But I was unable to talk to him because he was already laughing and chatting with his tall black guy friend, so it would have been strange for me to approach him. When will I get my chance?
I don't have homework due until next week so really for the rest of this week, at least until Saturday, I'm not going to do any homework. I'm just going to chill out, because I really need it. I have been so overworked that I became so burnt out, and I skipped 2/3 of my classes today. It's kind of like in horse racing games when you whip your horse too much that it gets exhausted and you disable yourself for a few seconds.
So right now I'm just laying in bed, wittling down my hulu queue. the Roommate isn't home right now, so she's probably out drinking. I hope she doesn't lose my umbrella. D:
I don't have homework due until next week so really for the rest of this week, at least until Saturday, I'm not going to do any homework. I'm just going to chill out, because I really need it. I have been so overworked that I became so burnt out, and I skipped 2/3 of my classes today. It's kind of like in horse racing games when you whip your horse too much that it gets exhausted and you disable yourself for a few seconds.
So right now I'm just laying in bed, wittling down my hulu queue. the Roommate isn't home right now, so she's probably out drinking. I hope she doesn't lose my umbrella. D:
Watch Movies For Yourselves!
Several things saved my life, but the first one was watching movies for myself. I think the reason I became such a hardcore movie geek was because throughout high school, I would watch DVDs on my laptop while doing homework. This was totally and completely behind my parents' backs because they would've flown totally off the handle if they knew how many movies I digested while doing math or English or whatever the hell. It was like a secret little treat for myself, something to keep the other 60% of my brain that I wasn't using occupied.
Watching movies for yourself and watching them with/for others are two quite different experiences. When you watch movies for/with others, you don't get the full effect...and I'm not saying it's an inferior experience to share in a movie viewing with someone else that you care about. It's total pair-bonding and a great way to get closer to another human being. But when you watch movies by yourself, you notice a lot more, you're basically pampering yourself. And who doesn't love solo guiltless pampering?
This is probably why I'm such a huge film geek today. I watched so many movies by myself and amassed such a knowledge of movies from just watching them over and over again by myself. I watched the Disney movies by myself so much that I am now the one among all my friends who knows the most about anything Disney that doesn't suck! (FYI I don't consider that Miley Cyrus and Jonas Brothers whatever crap to be Disney at all. May as well not exist.)
When you've already worked out, done your work, don't feel like hanging out with friends...get some Haagen-daas ice cream and do yourself a favor: watch a DVD just for yourself. For your own enjoyment. Don't worry that you're holed up in your room by yourself on what is probably the weekend, watching a movie, because this doesn't mean you "don't have a life" (I hate that phrase). It means that you have so much life that you need to take time for yourself. Devote your whole attention to the movie without having to worry about social bonding with another person at the same time. Trust me ;). It's a necessary experience.
Watching movies for yourself and watching them with/for others are two quite different experiences. When you watch movies for/with others, you don't get the full effect...and I'm not saying it's an inferior experience to share in a movie viewing with someone else that you care about. It's total pair-bonding and a great way to get closer to another human being. But when you watch movies by yourself, you notice a lot more, you're basically pampering yourself. And who doesn't love solo guiltless pampering?
This is probably why I'm such a huge film geek today. I watched so many movies by myself and amassed such a knowledge of movies from just watching them over and over again by myself. I watched the Disney movies by myself so much that I am now the one among all my friends who knows the most about anything Disney that doesn't suck! (FYI I don't consider that Miley Cyrus and Jonas Brothers whatever crap to be Disney at all. May as well not exist.)
When you've already worked out, done your work, don't feel like hanging out with friends...get some Haagen-daas ice cream and do yourself a favor: watch a DVD just for yourself. For your own enjoyment. Don't worry that you're holed up in your room by yourself on what is probably the weekend, watching a movie, because this doesn't mean you "don't have a life" (I hate that phrase). It means that you have so much life that you need to take time for yourself. Devote your whole attention to the movie without having to worry about social bonding with another person at the same time. Trust me ;). It's a necessary experience.
I'm Not One of Those Size-Zero Asians
I'm tubby. And I'm not saying that to fish for compliments, I'm just sayin'...I am tubby. I like to blame it on the birth control pill I'm taking which is notorious for making the female form blow up big time, but there's always that annoying voice in the back of my mind that tells me 40-50% of my fattiness is being too busy and lazy and un-motivated to go work out and to stop binge-eating.
Confession time. I didn't realize until college but I had a major eating disorder thing going on in high school. I was 5'1" and 100 lbs. Sounds normal, right (at least does in LA...-_____-)? Not really when you take into account the fact that I would eat nothing until dinner, at which point I would just pick at my food and eat a little bit of rice, a little bit of bok choy, a tiny bit of mabo tofu, then drink a whole glass of juice to signal I was done. I was always hungry during school and that probably led to my super depressing freshman and sophomore years where everything was a mess and I was the most annoying emo piece of crap ever. Not to mention I would always fall asleep in class because I had zero energy from eating zero foods, and my stomach always hurt--it felt like it was eating itself. No exaggeration. It didn't help that the guy I had a huge crush on was constantly commenting on how I looked fat...EVEN THOUGH LOOKING AT PICTURE OF MYSELF IN HIGH SCHOOL I WAS SO EFFING SKINNY I was definitely delusional. It wasn't until after my crush graduated (my senior year...) and I discovered how being a geek made me so happy that I started eating at school again. I would actually eat lunch! And maybe bring a little sandwich or bagel or whatever for breakfast. You could say that acknowledging how much of a geek/nerd I naturally am and trying determinedly to be a geek/nerd saved my life. But more on that later.
During my senior year, I started to fill out. I went from 100-105 lbs to 120 lbs, which I thought was a disaster. O world what I would give to be 120 lbs now...I was afraid that all the guys I had liked would stop associating with me because I 'ballooned.' I hadn't seen nothin' yet, you could say. The guys still liked me, and now I had boobies. I was definitely happier. I loved my friends, I loved being geeky, but other people didn't. Instead of commenting on how I looked, people started calling me a "freak" for being a geek. More on that later as well. Before graduation, I went down to about 114 lbs. I attribute that to my happiness. I was skipping around all over the place because I was about to get out of awful high school, my boyfriend was the hottest athlete in school, and I was for-the-most-part happy with myself as a geek/nerd.
Then in college, when I started eating 2 meals a day, I went from 114-115 to 120-125 lbs and I wasn't that upset. I was more concerned with getting the f*ck out of BU so I didn't care that my birth control pill, which I was taking to get clear skin, was in conjunction with not exercising and eating more (eating a normal amount actually but more relative to what I was getting before...) was making me fill out. Life wasn't about what I weighed, it was more about the grades and the applications. Then I got into USC and life was amazing. Only then could I focus on getting healthy.
It's my second semester at USC and I'm now borderline overweight. Everyone tells me I don't look fat but let me ask the world this: when has it ever been socially acceptable to tell a girl she looks fat? I admit that sometimes in the morning when my stomach has digested everything, I look normal and healthy, but at night when I get stressed out and need brain fuel and I just eat, mentally I go a little nuts. "I shouldn't have eaten that fish." "WTF, why did I just eat that whole pint of Haagen-Daas Butter Pecan ice cream." "OMG I should've gone for the mooshy Asian pear instead of that leftover pasta." "Omg why am I drinking a soda, I'm already eating a mini quiche."
It's so easy yet so difficult to get my fat butt to the gym...I should go, but I don't have time, I should study, but I also feel disgusting. I'd have to say my second or even maybe the first biggest problem I have with L.A. is its severely skewed outwardly-broadcasted depiction of what a "good body" is. Sometimes it doesn't seem healthy for girls to want Megan Fox's body, Megan Fox who was recently described as "slowly disappearing" because she has been losing so much weight. It's a little scary that the only Asian American actresses that Asian American girls like me can look up to for weight are this:
or this:
And instead of commenting on how fat we look, and how it's normal for Asian girls to be skinny, that it's really American Asian girls who are fat, maybe the world should stop that bull sh*t and give us some words of encouragement. Yes, we are as pretty as our Asian-Homeland counterparts, and no, we don't have to be size zero like they all seem to be. Perhaps acknowledge that it's not normal to complain every day about how "I ate a sandwich. *SOBS*." or "I went to yoga and then I ate a chocolate muffin I am such a fattieeeee." Girls in general don't have to starve ourselves to be "healthy." I'm not a size zero...because that's not normal, is it? Why do I have to harm myself and overwork myself and deny myself food because everyone thinks that as a tubby Asian girl, I'm a failure?
I like to think that I'm cute, despite being tubby. And being sad is scientifically proven to not help us lose weight. Stress makes us keep it on. So why can't the world stop being sneaky and snide about our weight and realize that being tubby doesn't mean ugly?
In the mean time, I'm going to try to lose a bit around my middle area not for the sensitivities of everyone else but for the benefit of myself. I have to suck it in to fit into my jeans sometimes and I'm too lazy and broke to have to buy new ones. Even though Pac Sun has a good deal on buy 1 get 1 free skinny jeans. Also, I hear working out gives you more energy during the day, which I definitely need being an overworked, unpaid, constantly stressed out student. The gym membership that comes with my apartment lease is super useful and convenient, and goddamnit if I'm going to be paying close to $1000 monthly, I'm gonna use that gym. ;) But not because I want to be skinnier than my future slender ABC husband (hehe), but because I want to be able to power-walk non-stop up to the 8th floor of the Education building on campus without wheezing by the 7th.
Also I hear John Williams's Star Wars Main Theme in the living room. Squee. Um, final note, if I can be perfectly incandescently happy about my personal identity, why can't I be happy about my body?
This post was inspired by Thick Dumpling Skin. This blog is going to change things for women everywhere and I can't wait :). To women and girls everywhere suffering from self-esteem issues relating to weight and body image...you are beautiful no matter how much your weight or what size dress you wear, as long as you love someone and show unconditional kindness to someone, beauty extends through your whole body, and doesn't just rest on your surface. <3
Confession time. I didn't realize until college but I had a major eating disorder thing going on in high school. I was 5'1" and 100 lbs. Sounds normal, right (at least does in LA...-_____-)? Not really when you take into account the fact that I would eat nothing until dinner, at which point I would just pick at my food and eat a little bit of rice, a little bit of bok choy, a tiny bit of mabo tofu, then drink a whole glass of juice to signal I was done. I was always hungry during school and that probably led to my super depressing freshman and sophomore years where everything was a mess and I was the most annoying emo piece of crap ever. Not to mention I would always fall asleep in class because I had zero energy from eating zero foods, and my stomach always hurt--it felt like it was eating itself. No exaggeration. It didn't help that the guy I had a huge crush on was constantly commenting on how I looked fat...EVEN THOUGH LOOKING AT PICTURE OF MYSELF IN HIGH SCHOOL I WAS SO EFFING SKINNY I was definitely delusional. It wasn't until after my crush graduated (my senior year...) and I discovered how being a geek made me so happy that I started eating at school again. I would actually eat lunch! And maybe bring a little sandwich or bagel or whatever for breakfast. You could say that acknowledging how much of a geek/nerd I naturally am and trying determinedly to be a geek/nerd saved my life. But more on that later.
During my senior year, I started to fill out. I went from 100-105 lbs to 120 lbs, which I thought was a disaster. O world what I would give to be 120 lbs now...I was afraid that all the guys I had liked would stop associating with me because I 'ballooned.' I hadn't seen nothin' yet, you could say. The guys still liked me, and now I had boobies. I was definitely happier. I loved my friends, I loved being geeky, but other people didn't. Instead of commenting on how I looked, people started calling me a "freak" for being a geek. More on that later as well. Before graduation, I went down to about 114 lbs. I attribute that to my happiness. I was skipping around all over the place because I was about to get out of awful high school, my boyfriend was the hottest athlete in school, and I was for-the-most-part happy with myself as a geek/nerd.
Then in college, when I started eating 2 meals a day, I went from 114-115 to 120-125 lbs and I wasn't that upset. I was more concerned with getting the f*ck out of BU so I didn't care that my birth control pill, which I was taking to get clear skin, was in conjunction with not exercising and eating more (eating a normal amount actually but more relative to what I was getting before...) was making me fill out. Life wasn't about what I weighed, it was more about the grades and the applications. Then I got into USC and life was amazing. Only then could I focus on getting healthy.
It's my second semester at USC and I'm now borderline overweight. Everyone tells me I don't look fat but let me ask the world this: when has it ever been socially acceptable to tell a girl she looks fat? I admit that sometimes in the morning when my stomach has digested everything, I look normal and healthy, but at night when I get stressed out and need brain fuel and I just eat, mentally I go a little nuts. "I shouldn't have eaten that fish." "WTF, why did I just eat that whole pint of Haagen-Daas Butter Pecan ice cream." "OMG I should've gone for the mooshy Asian pear instead of that leftover pasta." "Omg why am I drinking a soda, I'm already eating a mini quiche."
It's so easy yet so difficult to get my fat butt to the gym...I should go, but I don't have time, I should study, but I also feel disgusting. I'd have to say my second or even maybe the first biggest problem I have with L.A. is its severely skewed outwardly-broadcasted depiction of what a "good body" is. Sometimes it doesn't seem healthy for girls to want Megan Fox's body, Megan Fox who was recently described as "slowly disappearing" because she has been losing so much weight. It's a little scary that the only Asian American actresses that Asian American girls like me can look up to for weight are this:
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| Ridiculous. |
 |
| I feel fat already. |
I like to think that I'm cute, despite being tubby. And being sad is scientifically proven to not help us lose weight. Stress makes us keep it on. So why can't the world stop being sneaky and snide about our weight and realize that being tubby doesn't mean ugly?
In the mean time, I'm going to try to lose a bit around my middle area not for the sensitivities of everyone else but for the benefit of myself. I have to suck it in to fit into my jeans sometimes and I'm too lazy and broke to have to buy new ones. Even though Pac Sun has a good deal on buy 1 get 1 free skinny jeans. Also, I hear working out gives you more energy during the day, which I definitely need being an overworked, unpaid, constantly stressed out student. The gym membership that comes with my apartment lease is super useful and convenient, and goddamnit if I'm going to be paying close to $1000 monthly, I'm gonna use that gym. ;) But not because I want to be skinnier than my future slender ABC husband (hehe), but because I want to be able to power-walk non-stop up to the 8th floor of the Education building on campus without wheezing by the 7th.
Also I hear John Williams's Star Wars Main Theme in the living room. Squee. Um, final note, if I can be perfectly incandescently happy about my personal identity, why can't I be happy about my body?
This post was inspired by Thick Dumpling Skin. This blog is going to change things for women everywhere and I can't wait :). To women and girls everywhere suffering from self-esteem issues relating to weight and body image...you are beautiful no matter how much your weight or what size dress you wear, as long as you love someone and show unconditional kindness to someone, beauty extends through your whole body, and doesn't just rest on your surface. <3
Does Undegrad Even Matter?!
I am an International Relations (IR) major......but I hate it. I want very badly to change my major or just drop IR so I that I can just be an East Asian Languages and Cultures (EALC) major. But Dragon Dad and Tiger Mom won't let me because that's lame.
Do you know what I really should be? A Business and/in the Cinematic Arts major. That's what I should be. I love films, and I love analyzing the sh*t out of them.....I should be a marketing major. I would be so f*cking good at making trailers and epic videos like the one that shows on the drop cloth in the pre-game activites at the Staples Center. So theatrical. I would be so good at that. But no, because I've already committed to being an IR major, I have to stay with it. I feel like a girl who has to stay with an insecure boyfriend who just won't let me go because I've put so much time into him. Lame.
Who was the dumb*ss who said college is supposed to be the best years of your life? I feel like crap. I'm bloated because of the birth control pill I'm taking to make my skin better, and I hate one of my majors, I feel like a failure at life if I don't do a double major, and I'm super unhappy all the time because I'm constantly worrying about grades! Well, at least my skin is good.
And I know for a fact that I want to go to business school, at UCLA, UCBerkeley, or USC. USC would be particularly awesome because they have that Business of Entertainment Certificate Program which would be perfect for me. So I have to get a really good GPA now so that it'll be easier for me to get in....and I should probably start studying for the GMAT soon huh.......
But really the best thing I can do right now is get off of Blogger and start studying for my Chinese oral midterm which is tomorrow. WHOOPS! Good bye, world. I'll get back to you later, I promise.
Do you know what I really should be? A Business and/in the Cinematic Arts major. That's what I should be. I love films, and I love analyzing the sh*t out of them.....I should be a marketing major. I would be so f*cking good at making trailers and epic videos like the one that shows on the drop cloth in the pre-game activites at the Staples Center. So theatrical. I would be so good at that. But no, because I've already committed to being an IR major, I have to stay with it. I feel like a girl who has to stay with an insecure boyfriend who just won't let me go because I've put so much time into him. Lame.
Who was the dumb*ss who said college is supposed to be the best years of your life? I feel like crap. I'm bloated because of the birth control pill I'm taking to make my skin better, and I hate one of my majors, I feel like a failure at life if I don't do a double major, and I'm super unhappy all the time because I'm constantly worrying about grades! Well, at least my skin is good.
And I know for a fact that I want to go to business school, at UCLA, UCBerkeley, or USC. USC would be particularly awesome because they have that Business of Entertainment Certificate Program which would be perfect for me. So I have to get a really good GPA now so that it'll be easier for me to get in....and I should probably start studying for the GMAT soon huh.......
But really the best thing I can do right now is get off of Blogger and start studying for my Chinese oral midterm which is tomorrow. WHOOPS! Good bye, world. I'll get back to you later, I promise.
The Biggest Regret of My Life
Song of the Day: "Ready the Ships" from How to Train Your Dragon by John Powell. I feel so bleak in love. /Emo.
I really need some help here. The biggest regret of my life has to do with a guy. Surprise.
Here's the situation:
Last year, while I was at BU, I was super high off herbal Chinese medicine that was supposed to help with my cough and I sent an email to the guy who I will call the Guy of My Dreams (GoMDs) about how much I think we should date. The stupidest thing I've ever done, hands down. Because I don't care how cute and successful those teen chick flick movies say this method is, that sh*t never works. It just creeps him out. Here is why I think/said we would be perfect together:
- He's Chinese and his family speaks Cantonese. Already beautiful.
- He likes film scores more than your average film score partaker. He wanted to be a film composer, but decided to take a more reliable route (business). Ummm, remind me of anyone much? (Reminds me of myself).
- We're both extremely driven and obsessed with success and grades.
- We both want to date someone Asian/Chinese.
- We both <3 the San Gabriel Valley.
- We don't go to the same university but we're in the same area (Southern California/L.A.) so we would still be able to see each other but we wouldn't get tired of each other.
- I think he's cute, he thought I was cute when he met me....we both think each other is cute.
- He's an Econ major and plans to get an MBA. I'm an IR/Chinese major and I plan to get an MBA.
Can you imagine what a power couple we would be?
My roommate brings up a good point. I'm only 20, I shouldn't even looking. But I wasn't looking for him! I met him in 2007 and he just kind of evolved into this amazing guy...The Guy of My Dreams. My roommate also says that I shouldn't keep holding onto the past, and that I should look towards the future. The thing is....that's what I'm doing. This wonderful guy would be good for my future. He's driven, I think he's physically attractive, and it would be a mutually symbiotic relationship. We would be so good for each other. My parents would be happy that I'm dating a good-looking, driven ABC from the San Gabriel Valley, and I would be able to help him with life in general because I'm just that f*cking awesome.
There are two problems/obstacles with my situation:
1. He goes to UCLA, our rival university. So he probably automatically hates my guts for going to USC.
2. I creeped him out by being too persistent with that stupid email. Worst. Mistake. Ever.
3. He might not think I'm cute anymore :'( because I've gained some weight.
I just want closure. He won't reply on the few occasions I've tried to reach out to him. I keep having dreams and daydreams about how we meet again in person by chance and he realizes that I'm actually perfect for him, and he falls in love with me instantly, and then he persistently tries to get me to go on dates with him.
But that would never happen, would it? What I don't need is people telling me to move on. Perfect matches like these don't happen every few years, let alone once a year, or every few days. Especially not for geeky, snubbed people who call themselves "Nerd Girl." Not for people like me, who instead of saying I'm Aquarius or in a sorority or that I'm a whatever major, I identify myself first as Slytherin, Fire Nation, and a film score/film/comicbook/music/etc. geek. I know the world seems like it's full of guys who would willing think I'm awesome, but do you know, world, how truly cruel you are?
All I really want.....is to see him in person again. I am in love with him. I'm 20, and I am in love with a guy who hates me and thinks I'm a freak. World, please help me. With your cosmic powers, please just help me not to love him without causing any harm to him (like don't kill him, that would be bad), or give me another chance to see him. I just really want to see him again, so I can convince him that I would make a great girlfriend for him.
----
I really need some help here. The biggest regret of my life has to do with a guy. Surprise.
Here's the situation:
Last year, while I was at BU, I was super high off herbal Chinese medicine that was supposed to help with my cough and I sent an email to the guy who I will call the Guy of My Dreams (GoMDs) about how much I think we should date. The stupidest thing I've ever done, hands down. Because I don't care how cute and successful those teen chick flick movies say this method is, that sh*t never works. It just creeps him out. Here is why I think/said we would be perfect together:
- He's Chinese and his family speaks Cantonese. Already beautiful.
- He likes film scores more than your average film score partaker. He wanted to be a film composer, but decided to take a more reliable route (business). Ummm, remind me of anyone much? (Reminds me of myself).
- We're both extremely driven and obsessed with success and grades.
- We both want to date someone Asian/Chinese.
- We both <3 the San Gabriel Valley.
- We don't go to the same university but we're in the same area (Southern California/L.A.) so we would still be able to see each other but we wouldn't get tired of each other.
- I think he's cute, he thought I was cute when he met me....we both think each other is cute.
- He's an Econ major and plans to get an MBA. I'm an IR/Chinese major and I plan to get an MBA.
Can you imagine what a power couple we would be?
My roommate brings up a good point. I'm only 20, I shouldn't even looking. But I wasn't looking for him! I met him in 2007 and he just kind of evolved into this amazing guy...The Guy of My Dreams. My roommate also says that I shouldn't keep holding onto the past, and that I should look towards the future. The thing is....that's what I'm doing. This wonderful guy would be good for my future. He's driven, I think he's physically attractive, and it would be a mutually symbiotic relationship. We would be so good for each other. My parents would be happy that I'm dating a good-looking, driven ABC from the San Gabriel Valley, and I would be able to help him with life in general because I'm just that f*cking awesome.
There are two problems/obstacles with my situation:
1. He goes to UCLA, our rival university. So he probably automatically hates my guts for going to USC.
2. I creeped him out by being too persistent with that stupid email. Worst. Mistake. Ever.
3. He might not think I'm cute anymore :'( because I've gained some weight.
I just want closure. He won't reply on the few occasions I've tried to reach out to him. I keep having dreams and daydreams about how we meet again in person by chance and he realizes that I'm actually perfect for him, and he falls in love with me instantly, and then he persistently tries to get me to go on dates with him.
But that would never happen, would it? What I don't need is people telling me to move on. Perfect matches like these don't happen every few years, let alone once a year, or every few days. Especially not for geeky, snubbed people who call themselves "Nerd Girl." Not for people like me, who instead of saying I'm Aquarius or in a sorority or that I'm a whatever major, I identify myself first as Slytherin, Fire Nation, and a film score/film/comicbook/music/etc. geek. I know the world seems like it's full of guys who would willing think I'm awesome, but do you know, world, how truly cruel you are?
All I really want.....is to see him in person again. I am in love with him. I'm 20, and I am in love with a guy who hates me and thinks I'm a freak. World, please help me. With your cosmic powers, please just help me not to love him without causing any harm to him (like don't kill him, that would be bad), or give me another chance to see him. I just really want to see him again, so I can convince him that I would make a great girlfriend for him.
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Jack Sparrow Soulmate (JSSM) Update:
GoMDs aside, I've seen JSSM THREE TIMES since I wrote that blog post about how I have to talk to him and make him my friend. And every time I've been struck dumb, so stunned that I'm seeing him and totally unable to stop him and introduce myself. How sad is that?
Hello, world. My name is Nerd Girl, like a stereotypical geekus primary, I'm currently unlucky in social relationships.
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